Word Burning

I'd like to add a few to this list of overused words and phrases from Lake Superior State University.

Download - As in "Thanks for letting me download all of that."

Undocumented Worker - Non-citizens who enter any country illegally are illegal aliens. A kid with a paper route who hasn't gotten working papers yet is an undocumented worker.

Irregardless - Always used to mean "regardless", so just say "regardless".

Pro-Choice - Unless you provide equal financial, political, educational, emotional, social, and physical support to women who choose life for their unborn children, it's not really pro-choice. It's pro-abortion. Why not say that?

Personal - "My personal opinion." "My personal friend." "My personal favorite." If it's yours, of course it's personal.

Knowingly - As in "I never knowingly took steroids." Irregardless of your celebrity status, you're responsible for what goes in your body. Right, Jamie Lynn?

Clinton

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood

Drunken Monkeys

Too bad Spam messages aren't ever as funny as their subject lines.

Some of my recent favorites:

Some millstone promiscuity
Jonathan, a gill
Fannie, or cardboard
Raymond deactivate
Lou incomplete
Him housewares but smoky
Quite dominion but millionth
Half candidate in reproach
She amulet the embellish
Friends he accumulated
Some frame the ankle
Inventive with relish

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood

Disorder in the Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.


ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
WITNESS: Oral.


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy on him!


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood

It Was Just An e-Greeting

It read, "Let our lives be our Thanksgiving".

I've been turning that phrase over in my mind for the last eight hours.

Is my life my Thanksgiving? In some ways, yes.

I give thanks each morning for the blessings of another day: to hear my daughter play in her crib and see my husband across the breakfast table; for the ability to taste fresh fruit and touch warm laundry and smell the rain.

I give thanks each afternoon for the confidence that the schoolbus winding through my neighborhood carries only children, not bombs. I know that such confidence is a luxury. I give thanks for the ability to bend and stretch and walk without pain, and I'm grateful to have enough food to prepare dinner for my family.

I give thanks each night that I live in this country, where despite religious, political, racial and social discord, I am free to believe what I want to believe and free to speak it openly.

Is my life my Thanksgiving? In some ways, no.

In line at the bank, I'm more likely to feel impatient with waiting than grateful that I have money to withdraw.

Bagging leaves in my yard, I sometimes feel annoyed at the chore rather than grateful for the beauty and wonder of mature trees.

My To Do list is too long, the weekends are too short, and my family too far away. Or I'm blessed to have a full life, two days off every week, and reasons to roadtrip to eight other states. It all depends on how I look at it.

It was just an e-greeting, but I'm keeping it in my Inbox. I may need the reminder a few days from now when I'm scrubbing crayon off the wall.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood

Challenges of the English Language

Ah, the challenges of the English language.
Can you read these correctly the first time? Have fun!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The landfill was so full, they had to refuse more refuse.
4) Please polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could be in the lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier chose to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, it is time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does strange antics when does are around.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong for us to wind the sail.
18) I shed a tear upon seeing the tear in the painting.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) I need to intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood

Cast a "spell"

Olny srmat poelpe can.

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a
wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in
the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it
wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

if you can raed tihs psas it on !!

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood

Church Bulletins

Always proofread! Check out these announcements that actually appeared in church bulletins:

This morning's sermon: "Jesus Walks on Water." This evening's sermon: "Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 pm. Please use the back door.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood